I await with bated breath.

I have flown over miles of scorching desert , yet I gathered not a grain of sand.
I moved with torrents, rivers and dropped down steep canyons yet I am not drenched
I blossomed with a million magnolias and flowered with fragrant roses, not a thorn scratched me
I welled out as tears through saddened tired eyes, yet I stained no cheeks.
I laughed a million laughs with friends and dears yet it did not stop a beat
I fell, skidded, cut and bruised myself a million times yet I carry no scars
I ate many filling delicious sumptuous meals and I feel full only with his name.

No form,
no shape,
no words,
no fear,
no pain
no deep darkness
no euphoric floating feeling fills the void of the absence of my beloved

I remember him in every breath now, I await my union with him.
like a  baby awaits his mothers warm breast, overflowing with love for him

A love so unconditional,
so fulfilling
so complete
Words lose meaning,
heights lose their thrill,
abyss loses its frightening dark depths,

Where endless darkness defines light,
Where light is the deepest song of darkness

My heart desires for nothing but him
My beloved reveal yourself to me!

Transcendence of being.

To be in totality, fragmentation of reality is essential, only then the being can generate the capacity to combine the parts of the fragments to create the whole, because the whole exists in all time and spaces.
But this is not true in existential understanding of a being, because of the tendency of the being to BE. Hence we forget because we exist in totality, in a deep rapt meditative state of being human. For a human being to shed its human limitation and be all and everything, he/she needs to wake up from a very deep hypnotic meditative state. Therefore to wake up from that deep hypnotic state of being a human, we develop methods and exercises that are called as meditation  techniques, regressions;anything to help us make  a leap to the state of being beyond human.

Different things work for different individuals, once the right technique clicks one can take the leap.
So the two forms of meditative states at all times for all the beings are:
a) State of being whole.
b) The fragmented being.

In order to jump to the state of being whole we need to break this meditative state of being a human being. To be back from the state of oneness or being whole one needs to break itself into myriad consciousnesses to experience fragmented realities.
Both the states are hypnotic and deeper one is in any state more difficult it is to connect to the other side.

Talking of devices, the process of collecting back fragments of self, being by being , the fragmented reality inadvertently brings a being repeatedly to the state of being Whole. And the being consolidates itself by remembering scattered pieces of its own self.
This act of consolidates brings about the realization that we are Whole and Complete in ourselves.
The hypnotism breaks and the meditation becomes transcendental; when one remains aware of its fragmented experience yet it can jump into the meditative state of being Whole. So the being transcends between the two states.

The dichotomy , the yin and yang, the Shiva and Shakti in that state can both be accessed by the being in a single moment.
The fragments are nothing but fragments of the Whole. Both can be experienced by the meditater, by being in a state of no-state, non-being, neither positive nor negative, neither fragmented nor the Whole,by simply being in the center,where pendulum stops swaying, where both 'aatm' and 'brahmn 'exist together; the creator and the creation being one and the same.

Hence a switch from moment to moment enables one to center himself and he frees himself from either of the two hypnotic , meditative states of either being fragmented or the whole, just the realization of being both.One becomes a witness to both states:

Attachment and non-attachment
Renouncement and consumption
Creator and creation
Of being Love and being loved

That is when one is not brahm not manushya but par-brahmn because he is beyond being brahm.
That s the state of perfection all beings seek.
Through these steps:
1) Realizing you are not just a human by using certain techniques/methods of meditations.
2) When hypnotism breaks the being realizes its the Whole, bliss proceeds
3) Collecting fragmented selves, and the realization deepens that one is the sum of all those fragments.
4) Realization happens that all fragments make the whole which is the being himself.
5) Transcendence  between the two states neither fragmented nor whole.
6) When you can be both at the same time
7) When transcendence becomes a natural state you are both at all times hence you are none.

Hopes of Grief.

Pratyek and Prakrit laid there mats on the floor, preparing to sleep. These boys have been learning from Buddha himself, they have been in the vihara for two years now.

Buddha saw them progressing and decided to test them. Buddha called them one morning after his sermon in his cottage.He chopped off a lock of his hair and said "this is energy, it has all the knowledge that I have gathered from last 37 years, I want you two to take turns and put this lock under your pillow and sleep.This will reveal all the knowledge to you in your sleep and you can progress in a shorter span of time."

Pratyek was very excited about keeping the lock under his pillow for the first night, he begged Prakrit to let him keep it first. Prakrit was a patient being, he calmly nodded.
That night in his sleep Pratyek visited many realms, ether and underworlds, demi-gods and goddesses, who talked to him and revealed many things to him.

Next day when Pratyek woke up he was excited but his next thought was 'if Prakrit slept with this lock under his pillow tonight he may experience more than him and it may deplete the energy from Buddha's hair.'
For the rest of the day he pondered over how to avoid such an event.

Dusk cascaded slowly by then he made up his mind.Prakrit was unaware of the turmoil in his friends head, he went to bed with lock of hair under his pillow. As soon as he drifted off to sleep, Pratyek got up, he slowly pulled the strand of hair from under his friends pillow, kept it under his head and slept off. He got up early next morning and kept the hair back under his friends pillow while Prakrit was still asleep.

Every evening Buddha would discuss the events of the night with them, Prakrit would feel lost, he had no visions, no prophecies to share with them. He felt disappointed with the exercise. He did not trust the lock of hair and dream method but he pursued it because he loved Buddha.

Buddha knew what exactly is going on, yet he pretended to watch the outcome of this exchange between his students.

One evening after an elaborate discussion on dreams and interpretations of prophecies, Prakrit felt he had nothing to contribute, he excused himself, went out and sat by the banks of Kalindi river.

The water in the river looked like a dark black curtain, he stared blankly at it, he dropped tears of frustration and utter helplessness sitting under the Vakula tree. Buddha watched the drama unfolding with his celestial eye.

Prakrit sat and cried endless tears then stillness dawned on him and he reassessed his situation:
He asked himself:

What am I grieving for ?
The inner being answered 'because you created an expectation of spiritual growth and learning, you put all your faith in it, expecting result and when it did not materialize you felt pain.'

He went deeper into the soliloquy..

What is it about this expectation that makes my heart grieve so much?
..because you have imagined your sense of well being and happiness based on that outcome, your happiness is dependent on an outcome, if the otuocme is not there then there is no happiness in your being.

How do I get past this matrix of expectation and pain?
Firstly, you need to let go of the idea that happiness in your life is dependent on outcomes of your dreams, investments and efforts.

The what is the purpose of living if there is no happiness and fulfillment?

That's where you are missing the point, your happiness is never dependent on any kind of fulfillment, right now you think if you had visions like your friend you would be happy suppose if that comes true, tomorrow you may want higher level of energy and self awareness. If that is not fulfilled you will be unhappy again.

Does that mean I should live an aimless dreamless existence?

No, creation of life itself depends on creation of dreams you must dream but not about the outcomes just your dream outcome happens with joyous pursuits.we feel unhappy and disappointed only when things do not turn out to be the way we expected them to. If we drop the outcome from our consciousness we can achieve far more than what we set out for ourselves.

So if I don't expect I wont be unhappy, I must only dream and not expect?

Your dream itself creates an outcome, your mind creates the desire for a certain kind of outcome, and losing that certain kind of outcome should not be the cause of your pain.
You must always remember there is never anything to lose in life. When you are dropping expectations from life, people and situation you are setting yourself free from pain.

Why is it that I feel this lingering pain in my heart though i understand exactly what it is?

This is the pain of hope, as long as hope is there, fear, anxiety and pain will follow. Drop all of it and you are free.

Prakrit opened his eyes slowly, it was the dark hour of the night, he was engrossed in a conversation with his inner being for a long time. He looked at the dark river and for a moment he saw Buddha's image on the water, smiling that inner knowing smile.

Prakrit went back to his cottage, Pratyek was waiting for his friend to go to bed so he may retrieve the lock of hair from under his pillow. Prakrit understood, he pretended to be asleep and he let his friend have one more sleep full of fancy dreams.

The treasure that he has found was more precious than a rich dreamlife. He drifted to a deep restful sleep that night.

Satyawaan's deep slumber and Savitri's ordeal

A cord  severed and a bond snapped

cords  hanging charred and lifeless in ether

an opportunity wasted a celestial coincidence ignored

sun shone bright 

earth below her feet felt parched and cracked

thorn poked through her weary soles

Satyawans lifeless form lay there in the setting sun

Savitri  vows to change the situation..

she gets up and stands against the sun 

picks up a dry stick lying close by

she hits out at the setting sun for going down too early too soon

tears running out of her eyes, 

she is hitting and lashing at the sun

cursing it from deep in her heart

it was suppose to stay up forever

shining and showing them the way

she cries tears falling on the ground

next to Satyawaan's still form

she is beyond grief, the deep dark descending night engulfs her heart

she is choked with pain, a song of deep meloncholy fills the space

goddess sings, in the cool stillness of the night

a howling moaning monotony of death like sounds

savitri feels no fears those howls in the air do not scare her

her pain of seperation has made her indifferent to fear

she lies next to satyawaan embracing him 

she holds him with all the love her heart could muster

she looks at the star lit sky and gazes at it with blankness

A star far away twinkles for her attention

startled she notices it becoming brighter and bigger

soon it is as big as the sun

dark night and a sun brighter than a thousand suns, right  before her eyes

Now she knows the sun she grieved for was meant to go down with the dusk

It was this sun that she awaited, she stares wordlessly in utter disbelief

she nudges Satyawaan to see it for himself, so he may see that  it is not over yet

what they thought was lost was never meant for them

it was this brighter than brightest star that awaited to be awakened by deep calling from their hearts

only a call made in such pain could be heard universes away

"He heard us, he is here for us, wake up O! Satyawaan"...

she whispers the eternal truth into his ears as a medium of the goddess

howling winds cease their morose songs of gloom

a being steps out of the mighty sun and touches Satyawaan's forehead

day breaks, satyawaan realizes the truth behind the veil

he opens his heart to a new dawn

the cord that were charred, begin to show patches of green
new leaves, new shoots, new life breathes into the lifeless form again

 dewy air carries the message of love to him

He wakes up from his sleep to find the love supreme.

The Grace of Giving.

Sahikya was learning how to be a real monk, his childhood revolved around cleaning his master Taro's little cottage to perfection, working in the fields and going to the village with his teacher asking for grains.

His master emphasized on consuming only half of the grains donated to them and sow the rest in the field .When the crop was harvested  it was used to feed the poor and crippled.

His master Taro left the physical plane when Sahikya completed his training.He continued his practice of begging for grains, sowing half and donating the crops to the needy. All the wasteland on the outskirts were transformed into lush green fields over time. When villagers noticed he is producing far bigger crop than their fields, they refused to donate  any more grains to him.

He went hungry for days, his master then appeared in his dream and told him he must now break the rule or he will not have the strength to work in the fields and feed the poor anymore, such a sacrifice is wasteful. He said "If your penance is not bringing any good to the world, instead it is confining you to some irrelevant moral fulfillment then it is a waste."He told him to eat a part of his own produce and donate the rest to the poor but instruct them now to work with him and encourage them to grow their own food grains by sowing at least half of what they receive from him.

Poor people of the village obediently followed his instructions out of their love for him and respect for his generosity. Soon the entire arid stretch for several miles on the outskirts of the village turned into granaries. While the villager's crops dried and their stored grains rotted over time, they went hungry, in a barter economy survival became difficult.

They realized their mistake and went to the zen master asking him to forgive their selfish short sightedness.Sakhiya  showed compassion for those confused beings, he asked them to join the beggars who had now become workers in his fields and earn their own livelihood with humility and donate at least half to the poor.

When we share  what we have happily with others and use our resources thoughtfully nature rewards us limitlessly.When we cook for others happily food is tastier, when we plant a tree for others it bears more fragrant  flowers and sweeter fruits. When we pray for others it is always heard. More we give of ourselves freely to the world more comes our way through the universe.

Just like a river that flows through, giving nurturing pure water selflessly to the world and nature makes sure that it reaches the ocean, while a pond stores and stagnates water, it has little usage except to provide a home for fish and wild plants. It eventually putrefies or dries out completely.

Principle of energy is flawless; one who allows his resources to flow freely becomes a channel of the divine source and those who hold on to their resources remain confined to them.

Indian Monsoons

Those slow days are here again,
All green with showering cool rain
squirrels chirp and crows crow
sun filters through the neem leaves
sometimes I hear a koyal cooing and a peacock in the distance
spider lillies spray the fragrance of  village ponds
lined by smooth slippery earth and water hyacinths.
stray dogs jostle for affection during my post dinner walks.
I feel such exuberance in my being
all things stay still and move at the same time
oh! the slow juiciness of it
the joy of morning sounds
insects crawling on bark of trees
dark sweet fruits on jamuns and curry leaves
mint chutneys and mango shorbet
Indian monsoons at their best
the twilight zone of the seasons
A time of transition and transformation
I am falling in love with the existence all over again.

Circle of life

Celestial music played as Gandharvas and Demigods descended into prithviloka (planet earth). Pushkarni was the keeper of holy waters in heavens. Because of his temperament he took birth as a brahmin, even as a human he did not loose his pious qualities. He prayed, helped others and gave away anything excess to the poor. Life remained blissful even in human form till his very old age.

Devi watching him from above was concerned that maya is not affecting Pushkarni, how will he complete his experience and learning cycle. Sri Narayana smiled and asked her to watch patiently.

A few days later drought hit the village, people went hungry for weeks, animals died, fields were parched. Brahmin lost his wife and children to the drought. For the first time he was out on the street begging, people whom he helped all his life ignored and humiliated him, some men angry and helpless attacked him and vented out their frustration on him. He could no longer walk straight after the merciless beating he had to move on the ground like an animal. He had lost everyone he loved, his gentleness did not help him to fend for himself. Mauled, hurt and angry now, he experienced rage. An emotion that he had never known before. He hid in the forest and joined a group of hyenas, he scavenged on the dead and sometimes joined them in the hunt. He was transformed into an animal.

In the next birth he became a wood cutter because of his previous life's influence he had a violent animal like streak in him. To satisfy that urge he killed and hacked several innocent people.Ultimately
villagers discovered his secret and hacked him to death.

In his next birth the streak of raw violence was satiated by the wrestling. He was born as a strong boy and was raised to become a wrestler. He took out his inner violence through the act of wrestling. Winning over opponents introduced a new emotion in him, It was ego. He experienced ego fulfillment in that life.

His violence took form of incessant anger, in his next birth as a temple priest he constantly yelled at his subordinates. Discriminated against the under privileged. His venomous words were legendary, people avoided him because they feared his verbal wrath.

When most of the anger he accumulated in his first birth was vented out he was born as a wise guy. He was calmer but his intelligence fuelled his ego. People went to him for advice but his ego difficult to manage.He was the most well read person in the city, respected by all, but his marriage failed, his wife left him because of his over inflated ego that made him treat her like a menial servant not worthy of his love.

And the cycle continued for several lifetimes, Pushkarni's soul grew weary of the repeated experiences of violence, anger, ego and control. It was then that he was born as a little girl to a cloth merchant. She was a vivacious little being, a source of joy to everyone around.

When she was 7 years old an enlightened bhikshu was passing by, she offered him water and fruits. When he blessed her he saw how a pious soul got caught in the web of maya and has been circling in it for centuries. He felt pity for the little girl and gave her the gift of love and compassion so the soul can reform itself and rise back to its place in heaven.The gift attracted people to her she offered healing and nurturing, but it also attracted beings whom the same souls had harassed, killed, mauled and hurt in previous lives.They all wanted resolution.

Poor girl was burdened by these beings wrath and resentment, but she chose compassion and love as her tool. Harder they pressed on her in both physical and non physical form more she persevered, with time most of the debts were payed off. The experience made her more aware and wiser. Her essence exuded pure love and ecstasy of the divine. The ordeal had polished off the grime and dirt that settled on her beings and she sparkled like a diamond again.

Devi now invited her to ascend back into the heaven as the experience and the lesson was complete.

A mountain of struggle.

In the earliest years of human civilization there was a  mountain region with lush green trees and sparkling streams. There was a young man, who had immense physical strength. His body was tough like a rock and his arms could pull out big trees from the ground.

He had no name because he had been by himself ever since he could remember. His only companion was a little blue bird. The bird was very attached to the young man . She sat on his shoulder all day as he wandered through the forest, she chirped in the morning to wake him up and crooned till he slept in the night.

One day the two of them encountered a big steep hill on their way, they had come so far up in the valley it was difficult to go back to the precipitous dark canopy. The young man as usual started using his brute strength to break the rocks that blocked his way but breaking that hill was a very difficult task.It was made of a single piece of hard granite. He injured his hands and elbows in the process, the blue bird was watching this, sitting on his shoulder; she felt his pain.

More he struggled more his arrogance in his physical strength took over. He fought even harder and when the bird tried to stop him he yelled at the bird in his rage. Saddened and hurt, the bird flew off his shoulder to reassess the situation, as soon as she flew higher she realized the task was not about breaking the hill but to take a precarious bend on one of the side ,then it opened into a valley which was hidden to him. She realized what they thought was a dead end was a very sharp hair-pin bend.

The bird flew back to the young man in a hurry to give him this good news. By then he was like a wounded animal, closed to all reasoning and in a state of extreme anger. When she went close to talk to him and tell him about the bend, he vented out his frustration on her, he pulled and nipped at her feathers in anger and dashed her fragile body against the rocks.In spite of being grievously hurt she tried telling him about the bend. He heard her yet he ignored her and fought incessantly with the mountain.

The bird was injured and heartbroken. She flew back to her father in the sky. The father took care of her feathers and healed her heart. He told her "My precious little blue bird, all beings are required to learn their own lessons, sometimes we tend to interfere too much to help them because we cant see them suffer, but this interference can cost us a lot, so watch like a witness, sooner or later he will learn his lesson or its his destiny to die fighting the unbeatable."

The bird understood, with a heavy heart she went and sat on her father's shoulder and watched the young man struggle below the clouds.

After struggling, cutting and bleeding for days, he felt extreme exhaustion. He now figured that climbing this hill may be easier than breaking it. So he pulled up his injured body slowly and painfully. Every step was a test of his strength. The bird watching it from above missed a breath every time he stumbled, yet she sat their and prayed for his success.

Two days later he was on top of the mountain, day was breaking and beautiful honey orange rays of the sun filtered through the valley. He realized how much he had suffered to accomplish something so trivial, all he had to do was to listen to his little bird. But his ego and arrogance in his physical strength made him suffer beyond limits.He was full of repentance at his stupidity. He felt bad about hurting the bird. He felt ashamed that he ruined so many days of his life, suffered immense physical pain and lost his little blue bird in his blindness to conquer this small hill.

Blue bird looked at her heavenly father, he smiled knowingly. It was time for her to go back to the man and be with him again.

'Letting go' is one of the toughest lessons to learn on the earth for some souls.When we cant let go we end up causing immense suffering to ourselves and to others. Little blue bird could not 'let go' because of her love and attachment so she suffered, the young man suffered because he could not 'let go' of his overwhelming ego and self assurance and in turn he made the little bird suffer.

Civilization of the wolves.

On a star system several million light years away from the earth, a planet was bubbling with a unique life form.That Planet was located at 112 degrees west of the star Celeron.

It was inhabited by a large population of wolf-humans. Their race was violent, carnivorous and opportunistic. Surprisingly  their leader was a human adolescent boy who had no arms or armour, all he had was his flute.He played it to keep the violent mobs pacified.

The race of wolfmen was tied to the lower principles. His flute could not keep them enchanted forever, once a violent wolf defied the boy's authority and attacked him. Boy stood up and pointed a finger towards the sky, a bolt of lighting came down and stuck the wolf dead.All the wolves accepted his authority out of fear after the incidence.

Life carried on with this enforced subservience and controlled violence but not for long. A group of powerful wolves could not contain their resentment. They called the other supporters and decided to kill the boy in his sleep.

They killed the boy in a surprise attack, the violence triggered an uncontrolled chain reaction and wolves started killing each other in a state of unabated violence. Soon the last of them was lying on the ground torn and hacked to death.

Nature always has a plan to keep the wheel of life moving. One young mother had more human character than wolf . She displayed compassion and attachment. When the violence erupted she went and hid herself and her newborn in the forest.

For once peace was restored on the planet but not for long. A loner and outcasted male wolf wandered off from the crowd long before the violence. Now the smell of death and blood pulled him back.He claimed power over the helpless mother as his mate. One afternoon he eyed the baby wolf and was about to attack him.

The mother saw the violent look in his eyes. To protect her young she evoked the wolf part of her being and destroyed him with the most savage violence one can imagine. When meek and gentle souls are cornered beyond limits they are capable of tapping into their latent violence and transform it into immense force.

Before the last of the male died he impregnated her. Life continued on the planet but in a gentler form since all descendants carried the seed of the mother.
She was the only one to realize that the adolescent human ruler was not sent to rule them but to trigger their own destruction and pave the path for a gentler and compassionate life on the planet.

Bhagvat Gita mentions this principle of the universe:

yada yada hi dharmasya
glanir bhavati bharata
abhyutthanam adharmasya
tadatmanam srjamy aham.

Where ever and whenever  in the universe the principles of harmony and justice are defied,

the supreme force itself  descends in various forms to restore the balance.

Goddess of Peace

It was a furious battle being fought between the Huns and Metzian soldier. Razell was commanding the Huns.His fierce warriors were throwing heavy blows on the enemies. But fighting and defending from the enemy coming from the top of the mountain was tough.

A heavy club injured his shoulder and knee from the back and he fell unconscious, the battle continued.When he regained his consciousness, he saw himself lying on the dirt path, and battle was still in full swing. Horses were galloping forward like lightning. He tried rolling off the path but his body was paralyzed because of the impact of heavy blows.He helplessly looked around, everyone around was busy hitting , slashing and killing each other.He lay there helplessly waiting to be crushed under running horses.

He saw a warrior on a horse racing towards him, he thought the enemy has recognized him. He shut his eyes waiting to be killed.Instead he heard the horse halting next to him, the rider got off and moved closer to him. He opened his eyes and saw the deepest grey-green eyes looking into his very soul.The rider's face was covered, but he knew its a woman, she wore the Metzian grey and black uniform. She looked at him again and dragged his body and left it hidden behind a tree trunk, safe. The Huns won the battle Razell was rescued and healed.

Something inside him changed after the incident, he no longer enjoyed the struggle and violence for power and control. The idea of killing another human for more land and wealth started to repulse him.
One day he gave up his generalship and left in search of the girl who saved him.
He traveled length and width of the Metzian territory, he inquired at all army posts but no one ever saw a girl in the army. Months had passed by, his search bore no results. He lived on the leftovers of the inns and slept under the  sky on cold rocks. His body had lost its strength  and vigour. He was living only to meet his savior one more time and thank her. He found her no where, one evening, tired he climbed the sacred plateau of the pilgrims in search of her elusive saviour. He sat on the edge admiring the sun setting across the mountainous expanse.

His heart was sad and heavy, his journey felt incomplete. His life lost its meaning. A drop of tear fell from his tired eyes.He wiped his tears with his sleeve.He looked to his right and saw a stone statue of the goddess of the peace. He stood up stunned, It was the same  pair of eyes he was looking for, all this time.It was the statue of the goddess of peace. For several minutes he stared at it in disbelieve, he ran to the monastry uphill to confirm.He found several paintings of her, same eyes, same look, same remembrance.He cried like a child.

He was overwhelmed at the thought that a goddess came to save the life of a brutal killer like himself. He vowed to spread the message of peace  and undo hatred and violence from his being all together. He prayed to her for several years. The goddess guided him and revealed the universal knowledge to him. In a decade he was known all over the region and people came to him to absolve themselves of violence and rage from their being.
At last he understood why the goddess chose to save him. Only the one who had gone deep into violence would know how to be peaceful again. One has to be rich to be generous, hungry enough to eat, sad enough to cry, ruthless enough to learn the beauty of compassion. The question is only of recognizing that in oneself.